Dusk
by Rizzy.and.Izzy
Summary: "What was almost completely solid has now shattered into a million pieces, each piece so small that the breeze just blows it away." Set after the first season finale. This story is the best it can be, left as the two-shot it is.
1. Chapter 1

It was a routine they perfected in the hospital, even though the medical staff looked down upon it. Maura would tell herself that it was aiding in Jane's recovery, even though she couldn't be absolutely sure. But she knew it was working to help the detective's attitude, so either way, a benefit was being had. When Jane was allowed to leave the hospital and go back home to her apartment, it was almost a silent promise that Maura would be going home with her. They kept up the routine even after Jane came home. Either Maura would fall asleep beside her or she would go into her room right after she awoke, but the end result would always be the same. They would lie with each other. Just lie beside each other and be there for each other. This gentle alliance created out of pure need. Pure want of the other. The desire to simply feel the other, to assure each other they are still there.

The only difference is, ever since Jane's bandages came off last week, they lie even closer to each other. Wrap their arms around each other. It only takes a few days for Maura to make contact where she needs to the most. There's almost no hesitation in Maura's movements as she traces along the scar on Jane's side. Makes her own solemn reverence towards it. Brushes along it just barely. Where the regular skin Jane was born with transitions into the jagged, newer tissue. Maura believes her touch can heal it, remove it, erase all the damage below it. The ripping and the tearing that happened underneath it. She has to believe this. Something has to be able to repair all this. _Please. Please._

She knows this is impossible. She's been through all the required years of medical school, not discounting all the months with Jane in the hospital. She knows the restrictions, the limitations of the human body. She knows them and has seen them. But at times like this, when the world is still asleep, she believes certain things are possible. That just having enough of a belief in something can make things possible. She believes in Jane, and she believes in herself. She can take this away, she knows she can. The tip of her finger makes what is probably its fiftieth pass along the same small area. _Please. Please._ She can't repeat it enough.

The moon made its exit hours ago. The sun hasn't made itself known yet. Even the normally inescapable fog has yet to drop down. The world is in a frozen state. And Maura can fix Jane. During times like this, the one marred spot on an otherwise perfect landscape can cease to exist. During times like this, the human body isn't held captive to any of it's usual limitations. This is an ephemeral ability and must be taken advantage of quickly. Maura closes her eyes and there's no more marks upon Jane. If belief isn't enough to do this, then her love has to be. _Please. Please._ She continues tracing the scar and repeating this to herself like a mantra made powerful. Maura can fix Jane. She will fix Jane. She believes in, and loves her. One of these two things must be enough.

Jane feels Maura's fingertips ghosting over the fading pink scar, rarely ever making full contact. It's just a light hovering. No real pressure, not even really touching. A barely there prayer. Just a whisper. But Jane would welcome so much more. One kiss to her skin there and the damage made could be unmade. With Maura's magic fingertips and Maura's magic kiss, she could become whole again. On the outside as well as on the in. Maura can fix Jane. She will fix Jane.

She hasn't touched the scar herself yet, she just can't, but she'll let Maura touch it. Maura, with her graceful, angelic hands can touch her anywhere, at any time and for as long as she wants. But after a while Maura must force herself to stop. She must relinquish this contact now or she never will. So as Maura leaves to go start her day, Jane lies as still as possible for as long as possible and just lets the memory of Maura rest upon her skin. Ghost upon her skin as her fingertips were doing only moments earlier. Until something comes along and blows it all away.

There's always a breeze of something unspeakable that passes by and blows away whatever was just starting to take root. This is the world waking up again. The sun appears, as does the fog and other people. These are all signs that the world has started turning again. The same as it did when they were still in the hospital. The quiet would start to make way for something more, inside the closeness that they were just starting to create. Then one of the nurses would come bursting in and all of it would dissolve again. Get blown away and to the side and all around the room until it couldn't be traced back to where it had begun.

Jane and Maura try to hold on as long as they can to the stillness that exists in these few fleeting moments. The possibility that exists within it. For in this stillness and in this quiet, there exists just the two of them in their own little world. A world where they are possible, where what they have already is capable of becoming so much more. Where they can heal each other with just a touch.


	2. Chapter 2

With an almost painful fragility, it carries over into morning. Neither of them wanting to move. Neither of them wanting to be the one to break this bond, forged slowly throughout the long night, just beginning to set. If allowed to harden, this bond could turn into an impenetrable barrier against reality. But when they finally start to stir, when they can stay still no longer, the bond begins to crack. What was almost completely solid has now shattered into a million pieces, each piece so small that the breeze just blows it away. And with that, reality wins. No matter what either of them do, reality always wins. It intrudes upon them, it interferes with their plans and without fail, every morning, it destroys what they almost had. Because reality builds itself so down deep into the stone of its own creation that it will never be that which crumbles, that which breaks down. Some things are just too massive for even the strongest of winds to blow away.

They don't even bother with an alarm clock anymore. Reality wakes them up. As much as they try to keep the outside world at bay, it always has a way of creeping back in. The day must begin, and there are things that must be done. Time stops for no one and neither does the world, no matter how much they wish it would.

Maura is always the first one to get up because she's always the one more draped atop Jane, rather than the other way around. And for Jane to get up, Maura must move first. And Maura knows that if she doesn't make any effort to move, Jane never will. So Maura eventually gets up and forces herself to leave the embrace of Jane's arms. Breaks free from Jane's own silent promise, the silent promise that Jane's arms around hers seem to be whispering to her. That as long as they stay like this together reality can't touch them.

She reluctantly gives in and finally starts to move. With all the effort that she can muster, she tries to start the day off as best she can. She somehow finds herself in the kitchen and proceeds to make breakfast. Hoping that the rest of the day will unfold itself before her without causing her too much pain. Because this is what it is for her now. Real pain. Being away from Jane. She's certain. When Jane is not there, a phantom pain starts in her side and she's afraid it just might swallow her up. Similar to the quiet, constant ache that is always threatening Jane's own side.

Jane and Maura share a relatively uneventful breakfast together. Both knowing that they will soon have to part from one another again, if only for a short time. Maura drops Jane off for her physical therapy at noon and will pick her up an hour later. Jane's been in physical therapy for a few weeks now and they've adjusted to it pretty well. Jane pushes her body just a little more each day, feeling almost flattened by the end of the hour, but making unbelievable progress. For Maura, the time in between is spent counting down the minutes until she can see her again. She wants to remain close by if she has to get to Jane quickly. She refuses to leave the apartment in case Jane needs her. Maura cleans Jane's apartment for probably the fiftieth time in as many days to try and keep herself occupied.

When Maura picks Jane up an hour later, neither of them bother to hide their happiness at seeing each other again. It's not a huge amount of time that has gone by, but that time has been stressful for the both of them. It's like a reunion of sorts when they finally see each other again, even though it's only been an hour. The hug they share is akin to the hug between two people at an airport that have been apart from each other for years. As if they can just forget all the lost time in between. That if they hold each other, pull the other person to them hard enough that lost time can be forgotten, and the memory of all those missed moments can disappear as well. The past will be replaced by the present, and the future will erase all broken promises. As if both people can start anew and no time has gone by.

Jane has always had her brightest smile on display when she first sees Maura again after her physical therapy. A smile that Maura quickly reciprocates. But by the time they get home, both smiles will have started to wane. Maura is painfully aware of the change in Jane's demeanor and behavior that occurs after her physical therapy. She acts defeated, deflated. Nothing like how she was before Maura dropped her off. Her movements are slower. The shine in her eyes has faded. Those same eyes that are now reticent to meet Maura's own.

To Maura, it feels as if Jane is keeping something from her. She has gone over this in her head more times than she can count. It must have something to do with her physical therapy, since this change happens directly after it. She doesn't think it has anything to do with it being too strenuous. Along with deciding upon Jane's apartment as the place to continue her convalence and complete her recuperation, she also diligently went over the requirements of what Jane's physical therapy would be. Both with Jane and her therapist. Maura knows Jane has a tendency to want to push herself more than she should, so she wanted to make sure that everyone was on the same page as far as the timeline of desired progression. Jane promised to adhere to the stringent limits that Maura and her therapist had set out for her, and Maura trusted that she would.

Even when followed to the letter, physical therapy it is still a gruelling process though. Which brings Maura back to her most logical hypothesis, it must be because of the pain that it is causing. Maura knows that to Jane, showing pain is the same as showing weakness. This must be why Jane seems to retreat from her when she comes home. She avoids eye contact and seems to want to pull away from Maura all together. Maura knows Jane doesn't like showing weakness in front of other people. She knows she should discuss this with Jane, tell her how wrong she is. Tell her how strong she is, how Maura never sees her as anything less than that. If Jane thinks showing vulnerability is a weakness, she'll convince her that it isn't. It isn't what Maura thinks, and it isn't what she thinks about Jane. But after her physical therapy, she just can't. She can't even begin to broach the subject. She can barely even stomach the look on Jane's face, when Jane does manage to make look at her. What is written there is intolerable. Maura knows it's pain, as least that's what a large part of it is. There's always so many emotions on Jane's face after her physical therapy, it's hard to name them all. So Maura decides she won't push the detective any more than she already pushes herself. Because as the muscles and the tendons and the sinew underneath her scar are healing, they are also getting slightly tighter after each visit to rehab. This is a pain that Maura will not exacerbate.

For the second time in as many months, the M.E. feels helpless. So after her hour in rehab is over, Maura does the only thing she can do for Jane. What she knows for sure will help. What she did when she felt utterly helpless the first time.

At the hospital, after Jane had suffered a minor setback, Maura didn't know what to do. It was like Jane was lost to her, gone and she couldn't get her back. She couldn't help her. So she did the only thing her mind and body told her to do. _Get close to her, be close to her._ If she didn't feel close to her in any other way, she could at least be close to her physically. Feel her in the most undeniable of ways. On her skin, under her fingertips, everywhere. Convince herself she was still here. So she carefully climbed into the hospital bed and positioned herself alongside her. Jane had already been in the hospital for a few weeks at that point, and there weren't nearly as many wires and tubes connected to her as when she first arrived, so Maura wasn't worried about hurting Jane. And it seemed to make Maura feel a bit better. Actually, it made Maura feel a lot better. She ended up having the best night of sleep that she'd had in a while. And it seemed to help Jane too. She recovered from the setback and started to progress at an even faster rate than expected. And it settled them down. It settled them both down, inside. It finally calmed that speeding locomotive that was running through them. At night, in the silence of the hospital room, a warm body next to them, they could finally slow down. They could both finally sleep peacefully.

Only after physical therapy is when Maura senses the shift. Jane wants to keep a distance. The pain, Maura had originally decided upon as being the main cause. So Maura thought back to the hospital and repeated what her mind and body had told her to do way back when. _Get close to her, be close to her._ So she does just that. She continues to lie beside her at night and on into the morning, something Jane has never had a problem with. But the only difference is that after her physical therapy now, Maura will not try to engage Jane like she used to. She will not try to get her to talk to her. She even tries to stop reading the emotions in her face, as hard as this is for her. But Jane's face has always been so emotive that she could never really get an accurate reading. Maura welcomes this particular challenge. She will just be there for Jane instead. She goes back to the basics. She knows that her presence has always had a positive effect on Jane, so that is what she gives to her. She stops making it about what Jane can give to her, and starts making it about what she can give to Jane. So she gives to her herself. She just sits by Jane. Is there for Jane. Lets Jane know that if there is ever anything more she wants from her that she is there. Maura lets Jane have her space, in her own way, and it seems to work.

_Get close to her, be close to her._ This echoes in her mind. She knows that this cannot heal Jane. That just her presence, just her touch, cannot take her pain away. She knows this. She tells herself this every day. As a way of simply stating the facts, or as a way of trying to convince herself of said facts, she isn't entirely sure. Of course she can't heal her by simple willpower, by just the overwhelming desire to coming from deep within her. Can she?

Unable to resist playing devil's advocate with herself, she reminds herself of one study that correlates increased physical contact with improved pain management. So one day she decides to test out this study. She and Jane are sitting on the couch, watching some random movie. This has been their habit for a while now, a movie after physical therapy. This was Jane's idea, and usually Jane picks the movie. Maura is sitting on the couch, and Jane is lying on her side in the fetal position, her feet just barely touching Maura's thigh. Maura decides to gently lift Jane's ankles, straighten out her legs and rest them upon her lap. She does this, only this and nothing more. Testing the study, testing the waters and testing Jane. Jane does not seem to mind this. So the following day, and the next day, and the day after that Maura continues to do this. Jane is open to this. Seems to be okay with this. Maura is determined to get Jane to come back to her.

And slowly she succeeds. Jane doesn't mind the closeness, the continual contact now. Not in the least. And Maura uses this to her full advantage. The more she consciously tries to get closer to Jane, the more Jane unconsciously tries to get closer to her. Jane shows this by leaning into Maura wherever she places her hand. A quite literal tacit approval. So Maura gives to Jane all that she can. She starts to give her location specific massages, mainly to her lower extremities, because she knows that bending down or any other sort of bending motion sustained for too long still causes Jane a most unforgiving torture. She takes her ankle, her calf, her knee into her palm and kneads the skin there. She needs the skin there. With all the love she has for Jane, she imbues this through her hands, her fingers. Her own tacit approval. She never rubs too much, never presses too hard. Always just enough. She knows she's doing it right by how she'll finally get Jane's body to relax. Which will cause Maura's body to relax in turn.

They are only relaxed like this at two times, and both times are when they are alone with each other. The first time is when they've barely woken up, when they are still in each other's grasp. When the promise made during the night is barely a whisper by morning. The other time is now. When Maura is coaxing out of Jane all the pain that is still in her, still underneath her skin. Maura's hands, her palms, her knuckles, her fingers. All of Maura doing all it can to take from Jane that which she has always had too much to give. The empty places inside Maura that have never known pain will almost be filled to maximum capacity during this exchange. But this is something Maura is grateful to do, almost honored to do. She will take from Jane all that she can, because Jane shouldn't have to carry all this alone anymore. Jane isn't alone anymore, as far as Maura is concerned. And with all of her might, Maura is here to carry this for Jane.

Sometimes when she does this, she'll even get to hear Jane moan underneath her touch. On very few occasions, she'll hear Jane gasp and exhale beneath her fingertips. Finally letting herself go, letting it all go and letting Maura's magic fingers do what they do. Both feeling as close as possible to each other. Maura doesn't know why she herself likes hearing this so much, likes doing this so much. Hearing Jane just letting herself go during these rare times. Aside from right when they wake up, there is no other time that Maura loves more. Although she loves any time spent with Jane, really. But when she's touching her like this, hearing her letting go like this, she loves these moments just a little bit more than any others. Because she knows that she's taking her pain away. Like she tells herself every morning. She always knew this was possible. Why does she always try to deny this, vacillate so much on this fact? Even though it defies all medical explanation, Maura is positive her hands can heal Jane. They can heal this woman beside her. She doesn't even need to touch her scar to do it anymore either. She can hold, cradle and caress Jane's arms and legs and this will take away the pain from Jane's side. This will take away the pain from Jane's soul. The barely audible decibels of pain that are always thumping through Jane will lessen. She can take Jane's pain away like this. She knows she can, she knows she is. Just like how Jane is doing the same for her, just by being there with her. Being close to her.

Maura knows this is true. This is not something she needs to research, compare the data on, or study. It's just there. Like an anti-theft device on a really expensive item in the store. Once that item is removed from the store, it goes off. It starts beeping once you pass beyond a certain point. So too will Maura's body start thumping with barely audible decibels of pain whenever she gets too far away from Jane. It's like Jane has stolen a part of her and only when she's back with her does Maura feel like that part gets returned to her again. And until that happens she's all pain, and dull aches, and a beeping that only she can hear. And that beeping during the day is the same as that whisper during the night. The same whisper that Jane seems to echo in the morning. But Maura doesn't want a silent promise. She wants a spoken truth. She wants Jane. But reality keeps telling her over and over that can't happen.


End file.
